so i weighed myself, fully expecting to see 132 at the very least, keeping my fingers crossed for 129. and what do i see, 134.8. exactly the same as the last time i looked at a scale. granted, there was about a month inbetween these times, and for all i know i may have gained weight and lost it again, but still the fact remains that i am an obese whale. it's so hard to deal with the knowledge that one of my best friends is 1) 5'6 and around 125lbs and 2) starving herself and its my fault. on one hand i want to be able to lose weight like that again, where 5 lbs was no problem, and my body seemed to melt before my eyes. but on the other hand, i feel so guilty knowing that the reason she's like this is because i told her about what i was doing and well, its basically monkey see monkey do.

i'm still on ABC, really going to buckle down this week. my friend and i are working out every day. i have to lose the weight, i just have to

just finished up Day 5 of my modified ABC, my stomach is growling and feels so empty, i love it! i honestly cannot believe i stayed under 400 today. this is getting me really excited for monday when i finally weigh myself for the first time in about a month. i hope so badly that i'm under 130 but i don't know.

i hate that now whenever i'm around my bf all i can think of is how badly he deserves a thin beautiful gf. i was so much better when we first started dating. i don't even understand how he can stand me anymore. ever since he's told me he wants me to lose some weight that's all i can think of. idk what to do anymore. i feel so worthless/ i wish, even if it was just for a day, that i could wake up and see myself at 85, even 100, lbs. just the knowledge of how i looked would be the biggest motivator.

ok so in the past 24 hours my world has become an emotional roller coaster. the guy that i was crushing on for a month or so, who had told me he wanted to hook up and who had been really flirty with me all week told one of my best friends that he wasn't interested in me at all. my parents told me we're moving to texas in 6 months. the guy i liked all of last year, but really didn't have any interest in this year, asked me out and is now pretty much expressing how he's loved me for idk how long. and the guy that i just said had no interest in me is planning on sending me nude pictures of him and wants to hook up now. i feel like i'm in the twilight zone

so my modified abc seems to be working its magic. i weighed myself on Jan. 10th and i was 120.2 lbs which is 0.2 lbs awayy from my lw. so im hoping that i'll be 110 by the end of abc. my best friend is doing this with me and its incredible how much it helps to have someone working at the same thing you are. plus, there's always been a bit of competition between us, so i need to end up losing more than her. i'm already about 15-20 lbs less than her, but i want to get even smaller. today was a 500 cal day and i've starting to notice just how easy it is for me to eat under 500 cals. i got to have 110 cals of pretzles for breakfast, a few bites of my friends pizza for lunch, and chicken and veggies for dinner. and with all of that i was still 200 under, so i'm treating myself to a 100 cal pack of cookies and 110 cals of more pretzels. and i worked of the extra 10 cals by chewing gum today (11 cals in an hour!) although i've been really tired lately, when i think of how good i'll look when i'm done, i know it's all worth it.

and of course, as always the guy drama. so the guy that i had been talking about after christmas is still definitely an interest the only thing is i've been hearing from multiple friends (who are very reliable sources) that he's not interested in a girlfriend right now and he just wants to hook up with people. so that was pretty dissapointing to hear. and then there's this guy that i've been really good friends with all year. (he's actually my old crush's best friend) and well, i realized on friday that i like him too now. the issue is he isn't the "relationship type", meaning every relationship i've seen him have this year has either ended in a matter of weeks or with a big argument, and he's a notorious flirt. plus, he's 2 years younger than me, which normally wouldn't be a big deal to me. (my last boyfriend was 3 years older than me) but my brother's in his grade and i know they don't get along. so i'm really not sure what to do with that whole deal right now, i figure i'll just wait and see what they both do.

so my best friend and i are doing a slightly modified abc to start of the year. since both of our parents watch us like hawks, we've added 100 cals to each day because we wouldn't be able to get away with fasting. my official starting weight is 122 and i'm hoping to be 110 by the end of this. gotta have willpower for once! and as a bonus, i've noticed i've been getting a lot of attention from guys lately. it started happening last spring (when i 1st started losing serious weight) but it's gotten insane recently. i hooked up with 2 guys over break (one of which i happen to be crushing on) my ex-boyfriend wanted to get back together (not ever happening) and this guy that lives in my best friends town wanted to hook up as well. and to top it off now that i'm back in school, this boy that is for lack of a better word GORGEOUS who i am really good friends with has been starting to act flirty (or a least more so than his general personality) and i'm wondering if somethings going to happen between the two of us at my friends party on Friday. i'm not sure if i want to though, just because of the boy i like most likely finding out.

so its been months since ive written anything on livejournal. recently the things on my mind include the new boy i'm after. one of the things i absolutly love about him is that he's always commenting on how small i am. he gave me a piggyback ride up this hill between our school and this gas station a group of me and my friends always go to when we have a free block, and his 1st comment was "omg you're soooo light!" and when i said that i had to give him a piggyback ride back he was saying "no you're so tiny, i'll crush you." and a few days later he gave me a hug and he said "i don't understand how you're so small." so pretty much everytime i'm near him i feel so tiny and gorgeous (hence why i like him) but we hung out on saturday and i managed to make the biggest ass of myself by getting completly wasted. apparently i had at least 10 shots of vodka in 20 mins. i ended up making out with him multiple times and now we're at that awkward stage where we both know that we like each other but we don't know where to go from there.

there's also (as always) food. somehow i managed to stay under 2,000 on christmas and i've been sticking to under 1,000 for a few weeks after a few months of completly letting myself fall apart and pig out on my every whim. but now i'm kicking myself into shape. my best friend knows everything that's been going on and when she first found out in the summer it freaked her out, but now she's fallen into it too. the way she puts it is that she does everything physically the same (she'll have maybe 400 cals a day) but she doesn't have the mindset (she knows once the crew season starts up again she'll be eating normally). she lives 130 miles away and i'm visiting her for the week and we've decided to try and stick to a fast for as long as i'm there, although we might eat a bit on new year's if we go out to a party. so hopefully i can lose loads of weight before school starts again and impress the boy from saturday.

and here are the stats at the end of the year:

age:16
height: 5'3"
cw: 126
hw:147
lw:122
gw1:115
ugw:80-85

so in honor of the new school year i've decided to do a modified version of the ABC diet. i know that it's not possible for me to fast without being noticed, so instead i've taken the plan and added 200 calories to each day, so i can do it without being detected. and to top it off i've told my best friend that i'm going to do it and that i want her to do it, but i added 1000 cals to her version, because she knows that i have a weird pattern with eating and if i went and told her that i wanted to try ABC the way i am, she would have freaked out at me.

because this year for crew i want to be a coxswain, i need to make sure i stay under 125 for the year. right now i'm just about at 125 so i'm hoping that ABC will get me well under. if i get too heavy i'm going to have to become a rower again, and i can't row for shit.

and the last detail is i have to keep all of this away from my boyfriend. he's absolutly amazing, but i know that if he had any idea about this he would get really upset and worried. i don't get to see him much because he's out of school and my parents don't know about him, but when i do i have to make sure the subject of food isn't brought up.

i'm hoping to lose about 10 lbs on ABC, and i want to stick with it until the end.

STATS:
age: 16
height: 5'3.5"
weight: 127
HW: 145
LW: 120
stg:120
ltg:110
ugw:87 (the same wieght my mom was when she graduated college)

so i just weighed myself for the 1st time in 10 days, and i was kinda freaking out cuz i hadn't been doing so well lately. but the scale said that i was 110!! the last time i weighed myself it said that i was 128. i definetly think part of it is that last time i weighed myself right after i ate, but still...i feel sooo happy. my stg had been 120, 1st ltg was 1150, and 2nd ltg was 110. i cant believe i reached them so quickly.

ok so new stats:
name: Katie
age: 15 (16 in june)
height: 5' 3.5"
weight: 110!!
stg:105
lgt: 95
impossible dream that will probably never happen: 85 

ok so i'm starting on a diet and i was wondering if i could get some tips on starting, cuz im having trouble. also, if anyone wants to help me out by motivating me, id be happy to do the same for them. im like 140lbs right now, which is disgusting i know. especially for someone who is only 5'3", but i want to get down to 115 by june